But What Do I Actually Want?

Last week, we talked about asking for what you want. But what happens when you're not actually clear on what you want?

Sometimes the problem isn't that we're afraid to ask. Sometimes we've gotten so disconnected from our own knowing that we don't even know what we'd ask for.

We think we should want certain things. We keep wanting what we've always wanted because we've put so much time into it. We want something because we think it will serve us down the line. Or we know what we want, but it seems impossible and we don't understand how we would ever get there.

So in this episode, we're slowing all of that down and asking:

But what do I actually want?

I talk about the ways we can override our deeper knowing with what looks good on the surface, what other people want, or what we think we should want.

We talk about:

• What you want vs. what you think you should want, and why questions like “Is this smart?” “Will this benefit me?” and “Is this productive?” can sometimes override the much simpler question: Do I want this?
• When you've wanted something for so long that you don't know if you still want it. Sometimes momentum keeps us moving down a path simply because we've already invested so much in it. But you're allowed to change your mind.
• Why wanting something doesn't mean you have to do it. You can want something and decide it's not the right time, isn't financially responsible, or doesn't align with another priority. You don't have to turn every desire into a goal you must achieve.
• Letting yourself want things just for fun. My daughter reminded me of this when she wanted to try cheer. My first instinct was to ask how it would serve everything else she was already doing. Her answer? “What if I just did it for fun?” She made the team, and she's having so much fun.
• The freedom of a side quest. Not everything has to lead to some big thing. You can start a blog, a podcast, a hobby, or simply do something because you're curious and it sounds fun.
• Wanting something without knowing how. As a planner, this is a hard one for me. We talk about separating what do I want? and how is it going to happen? You can be clear about what you want without being completely attached to one specific way of getting there.
• The difference between a plan and making your plan the only way. If a plan feels good, make the plan. Take action. But if the plan falls apart, that doesn't necessarily mean what you want is out of reach.
• Split energy. You can say “I want this” while simultaneously thinking “I don't know how,” “it's probably impossible,” or “I don't deserve it.” We don't have to eliminate every doubt, but we can notice when we're arguing with the possibility of what we want.
• Starting smaller when the big picture feels unclear. How do you want your days to feel? What sounds fun? What would you like to experience? What would you choose if you didn't have to explain why?

Ultimately, you are allowed to want what you want.

You can want little things and big things. You can want something practical or completely unexpected. You can make a plan while leaving room for life to surprise you.

And sometimes what you want doesn't have to be deep at all.

Maybe it's just fun. Maybe it's the experience. Maybe it's a side plot. Maybe it's leading you toward knowing what you want next.

You're allowed to do things you enjoy. You're meant to feel good. And you're allowed to want things simply because you want them.

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