It’s Safe to Ask for What You Want

How often do you decide the answer is going to be no before you ever ask?

Maybe you assume you're asking for too much.

Maybe you're worried about what someone will think of you.

Maybe you don't want to inconvenience anyone.

Maybe you tell yourself, “It's probably not possible anyway,” and move on without ever finding out.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how often we make decisions for other people without realizing we're doing it.

We decide they're going to say no.

We decide they're going to think we're difficult.

We decide we're asking too much.

And sometimes we're experiencing all of the discomfort of rejection before anyone has even rejected us.

So this week, I'm talking about something that sounds incredibly simple:

It's safe to ask for what you want.

Not because you're guaranteed to get it.

Not because everyone should say yes.

And not because asking means you're entitled to receive.

It's safe because you can trust yourself with whatever answer comes back.

You Don't Know If You Don't Ask

I was recently reminded of this in a very ordinary way when I needed a new car battery.

The price I was given was almost $500.

My first thought could have been, “Okay, I guess that's what it costs.”

But instead, I asked if there was a less expensive option. I asked if they would match the price of the same battery somewhere else.

And they did.

I got the lower price.

And what struck me wasn't really the money I saved. It was how simple the whole thing was.

I would have never known that was an option if I hadn't asked.

They could have said no.

And if they had, I would have figured out what I wanted to do from there.

But I gave myself another possibility simply by being willing to ask.

And it made me think about how often we do the opposite in other areas of our lives.

We don't ask because we've already decided the answer.

We don't ask for the opportunity.

We don't ask for the schedule that would work better for us.

We don't ask for the price we would feel good about.

We don't ask for what we need.

We don't tell someone what we would love.

We don't explore the possibility because we're afraid of the answer.

But here's the thing:

You don't know if you don't ask.

Asking Isn't Demanding

I think sometimes we avoid asking because we confuse asking with expecting.

But they're not the same thing.

You can say:

This is what I would love.

Would this be possible?

And the other person gets to say yes or no.

That's a conversation.

That's not entitlement.

You can advocate for yourself while still respecting someone else's right to have their own needs, preferences, boundaries, and decisions.

And I think that's an important part of this conversation.

You are allowed to ask for what you want without requiring someone else to give it to you.

You can make the request and release the outcome.

That's where so much freedom can come from.

What If They Say No?

This is the part I really want to explore.

Because sometimes the reason we don't ask isn't that we're certain they'll say no.

It's that we're afraid of what the no will mean.

What if they think I'm asking too much?

What if they think I'm greedy?

What if they don't value me?

What if they think I'm difficult?

What if I feel embarrassed?

And suddenly the possibility of a simple “no” has become a referendum on who we are.

But a no can just be a no.

It can be information.

It can mean:

Not this.

Not this way.

Not right now.

It doesn't automatically mean:

You shouldn't have asked.

You wanted too much.

You did something wrong.

You're not valuable.

Things aren't working out.

Sometimes we give someone else's answer so much meaning that we end up hurting ourselves far more than the actual answer ever required.

Their Reaction Is Information, Not a Verdict on You

I've been thinking a lot about how quickly I can go into self-investigation when someone has a reaction I don't expect.

What did I say?

Did I do something wrong?

Did I ask for too much?

Did I make them uncomfortable?

And of course, there are times when we should be open to feedback. We should be willing to look at our own behavior and take responsibility when we've missed something.

But there's another possibility:

Someone can simply have their own reaction.

They get to have their thoughts, feelings, preferences, and interpretations.

And I get to have mine.

Their reaction can be information without becoming a verdict on me.

That feels like a really important piece of self-trust.

Because self-trust doesn't mean believing you're always right.

It means being able to stay connected to yourself while you're open to information.

It's Safe to Have It All

This brings me back to a phrase I've been thinking about a lot:

It is safe to have it all.

For me, that doesn't mean I'm going to get everything I ask for.

That's not really what I mean by “having it all.”

I mean it's safe to want.

It's safe to have desires.

It's safe to say them out loud.

It's safe to ask.

It's safe for someone to say yes.

It's safe for someone to say no.

It's safe to feel disappointed.

It's safe to not know how something is going to happen yet.

And it's safe to keep believing there is another possibility.

I don't have to stop wanting something just because I don't know how I'm going to get there.

I don't have to make myself want less so that I can guarantee I won't be disappointed.

And I don't have to avoid asking because I can't control the answer.

What If You Just Asked?

So maybe there's something you've been wanting.

Maybe you've been thinking about asking for something, but you've already decided what the answer will be.

Maybe you're worried about being too much.

Maybe you're worried about what they'll think.

Maybe you're trying to make everyone else's life easier while quietly making your own life harder.

What if you just asked?

They might say no.

And you'll be okay.

They might say yes.

And you would have never known if you hadn't asked.

And maybe there's another possibility you haven't even considered yet.

Because the goal isn't to become someone who always gets what she wants.

The goal is to become someone who is willing to ask for what she wants and trusts herself with whatever happens next.

It's safe to want what you want.

It's safe to ask for it.

It's safe to hear no.

It's safe to hear yes.

And it's safe to believe that there is always another possibility.

You don't know if you don't ask.

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